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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29121399">Y &amp; HEARTACHE!!!! (y is for yearning) Slam Poetry Edition [Revised] By Huening Kai</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard/pseuds/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard'>TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:20:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29121399</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard/pseuds/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it pity? Or is it love?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Yeonjun/Huening Kai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Y &amp; HEARTACHE!!!! (y is for yearning) Slam Poetry Edition [Revised] By Huening Kai</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowblow/gifts">lowblow</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>O, Love! O, Heart!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How it burns, burns, burns</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and breaks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s smashed to pieces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Glass shards in my soles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In my</span>
</p><p>
  <span>soul.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>O, Foolish Love! O, Naive Heart!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How it burns, burns, burns</span>
</p><p>
  <span>to ashes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s chalk dust in my palms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scattered to the wind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remnants</span>
</p><p>
  <span>of youth.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s been weeks and weeks of this but Kai still isn’t entirely sure how the two of them came up with such a preposterous idea. Such a wicked and cruel plan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neither of them are at the top of their class but, surely, both of them (or at least one of them) should have been smart enough to realize that two broken hearts stuck together with gorilla glue and duct tape will still be two broken hearts in the end. Maybe it started at a party. Perhaps that’s where they found the tiny little spark to set fire to their bodies and watch themselves implode. Maybe it came from seeing Jungkook and his longtime girlfriend making out in the corner one too many times. Maybe it came from seeing Soobin break up with one guy and then almost immediately start going out with another like it was his life mission to date his way through all the gay guys in their major.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But regardless, instead of finding some healthy solution to their pain on their own, they simply lashed themselves together so that they could drown in misery as a pair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like in the movie Titanic. Except they both die in the end and no one's left to tell the story.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or maybe Kai’s just being dramatic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He is a Theater Arts major, after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, pass me the salt,” Yeonjun requests.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai wordlessly scoots the salt shaker closer to Yeonjun’s outstretched hand and then goes right back to scooping food into his mouth. It’s hot, fresh, and the near-boiling temperature of the broth seeps into Kai’s belly and fights off the chill. He hadn’t even realized he was cold.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s foot presses against his beneath the table and Kai relaxes. Just a little. Shoulders slumping and back sagging.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t even realized he was lonely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s chopsticks hover over Kai’s bowl before dropping a sizable chunk of beef into the broth. Kai returns the gesture by picking out a soft-boiled egg and sitting it atop Yeonjun’s pile of food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun smiles at him. Wide and bright. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai doesn’t think he deserves it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai picks through his soup with his chopsticks, finds a sprig of green onion. He lifts it out and places it in Yeonjun’s bowl as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now that he thinks about it, it’s become almost a ritual of theirs to eat breakfast together. To start the day together. To be seen together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai gets the same thing every day, unable to break the chains of his routine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun switches things up each morning. Something leafy and lean and vegan on Monday. Something sweet and fruity on Tuesday. Something savory and spicy on Wednesday. Nothing but pork on Thursday. The only thing consistent about his meal choices is his love of coffee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should really clean your room,” Yeonjun says, absently. “I’ll help you carry all that laundry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai grunts in affirmation. He’s been planning on doing it for two days now. He just never feels like it. Never finds the time. Always has homework. Doesn’t want to run into Soobin in the laundromat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> to run into Soobin in the laundromat. Or some other half-assed excuse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you getting along better with Taehyun? I know you guys had that fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai grunts again. He and Taehyun </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> been getting along. Nothing will ever completely wipe away the grime of their sour first impressions of each other but they are trying and that’s more than a lot of people can say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For several seconds, Kai absently chews his food as he watches Yeonjun stir cream into his coffee, the spoon in his hand clinking rhythmically against his mug. Yeonjun tears open a packet of sugar and sprinkles that in too. Then fearlessly grabs a second packet to add in. He likes his coffee weak and sweet. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not much different from flavored water</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jungkook had said that one time. It kind of annoys Kai that he didn’t figure that out first. That he didn’t learn that about Yeonjun first so that he could teach it to Jungkook.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eating breakfast together started out as fun, like a miniature date each day, but now Kai is kind of annoyed by it. Because he’s not a morning person </span>
  <em>
    <span>at all</span>
  </em>
  <span> but Yeonjun doesn’t seem to mind coming to Kai’s dorm room and getting him out of bed every morning. Yeonjun doesn’t seem to mind the awful lack of conversation throughout the whole process. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But maybe it’s good they don’t talk much because then Kai won’t have to think about all the things they don’t have in common.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you’re scowling,” Yeonjun informs him from the other side of the table. “You okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai blinks away his thoughts. He looks up at his boyfriend. At his stand-in. “Sorry. I zoned out.” He pushes the heel of his palm to his eye and wipes away the grit of sleep. “You ever sleep so good that you feel like you haven’t slept at all?” Because that’s how he feels. Absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>fatigued</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He slept like a rock for ten hours straight but he’s still groggy. His limbs still feel heavy and his thoughts are still slow, bleary, mucky. And since he already felt guilty about leaving Yeonjun waiting for him for fifteen minutes, Kai’s down here in the university cafeteria in his pajamas.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this is college so he’s not even the only one out here in his pajamas!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In stark contrast, Yeonjun’s showered and dressed and stunning. Even though it’s only 7am. Or perhaps </span>
  <em>
    <span>because</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s seven in the morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s smile is charming as ever. And his all-black outfit and multiple piercings makes him stand out in the pastel colors and light wood tones of the cafeteria. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai looks up at Yeonjun. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is it fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he wants to ask, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that I’m not him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, sleepyhead,” Yeonjun coos, mistaking the glassy look in Kai’s eyes. “You’ve been up like half an hour now. Why aren’t you </span>
  <em>
    <span>awake</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” He laughs at Kai’s expense, stopping only to lift his mug of coffee to his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai heaves a tired, exhausted sigh and goes back to eating his meal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>🖆</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai’s not sure how it happened. If it’s some cashed-in favor from Taehyun or one of Yeonjun’s schemes. He doesn’t know if the universe has heard his fervent wishes or if this is pure coincidence or if Soobin somehow, by some work of fate, </span>
  <em>
    <span>likes</span>
  </em>
  <span> him, but when Kai’s studying in the library that afternoon and someone drops into the chair immediately next to him, Kai looks up and it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sup,” Soobin half-whispers at him. “Mind if I sit?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he’s already sitting. Already pulling his backpack off his shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai doesn’t say anything because he’s still too stunned. Soobin looks so good with his hair gelled up and pushed back. Like he had to go somewhere and </span>
  <em>
    <span>look nice</span>
  </em>
  <span> today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin raises an eyebrow at him. “Yo?” He waves a hand in front of Kai’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Kai remains unresponsive. A kaleidoscope of butterflies has been let loose in his stomach and when he drops his pen in shock, Soobin scoops it up before it sails off the edge of the table and hands it to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t mean to scare,” Soobin apologizes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai takes back his pen but still can’t find his words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin doesn’t seem to mind. He starts unpacking his backpack. Slapping down a few composition notebooks, a three-ring binder and a fresh pack of notebook paper. “You going to Beomgyu’s thing tonight,” he questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai’s unaware that Beomgyu has a thing to go to tonight but he’s positive Yeonjun got an invite. At long last, Kai gets his tongue untangled. “I’ll be there. Probably.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cool,” Soobin intones. He sticks his arm back in his backpack and groans. “Did you bring that stupid script we’re reading? I forgot mine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I have it.” Kai was actually enjoying that play they had to read for class. He thought the romance was quite moving and lovely. He could easily understand why it was deemed a classic. He reaches into his tote bag and pulls out the thin paperback with its worn edges and colorful sticky notes serving as bookmarks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank God. You’re a lifesaver.” Soobin practically snatches it out of Kai’s grip. He thumbs through it roughly, quickly, slightly confused by all the highlighted lines and notes Kai has made. “Dude, what a waste! My book still looks brand new. I try not to bend it too much. I’m going to sell mine at the end of the semester.” He discards Kai’s book onto the table and tears into the plastic wrapping of his pack of notebook paper and spends a few moments adding the stack to his three-ring binder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s been a few moments, but Kai is still starstruck. He can’t help but stare up at Soobin’s profile and admire his handsomeness, his tiny little smile and dimpled cheeks and the little crinkle in his nose that he gets when he concentrates. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin’s body gives off heat like a furnace and Kai almost does not resist leaning into him to bask in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clicking the rings of his binder back into place, Soobin turns his head and meets Kai’s eyes. “What are you writing?” He gestures to the stack of papers under Kai’s palm. To the typewriter-neat handwriting. “That for class?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah,” Kai answers. He finally feels like his heart is no longer in his throat. He finally feels like he can speak to Soobin without sounding like a lovestruck idiot. “I’m writing poetry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin gasps, overly dramatic. “Oh, sweet! Cool, man. Cool. Amazing.” And his tone is such that Kai can’t tell if the guy is being genuine or poking fun at him somehow. Kai kind of doesn’t mind either way. “Hey, wanna listen to this?” Soobin pulls his earbuds out of the front pocket of his shirt. “This song just came out yesterday. It’s all I’ve been listening to. It stays on repeat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai nods, though he knows the music will only distract him. He wants to have a piece of Soobin. Even if it’s something as small as his favorite song.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Soobin leans over and presses the bud into Kai’s left ear, Kai lets his eyelids flutter closed and revels in the soft, warm feel of Soobin’s long, slender fingers against the shell of his ear. The guy makes minute adjustments to the placement of it and his thumb drags down Kai’s lobe and Kai sits there and pretends the lingering touch is purposeful. That it means something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It hurts so much. It hurts so much to want to lean into Soobin’s hand but not be able to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It hurts so much to not be allowed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai breathes in Soobin’s scent and holds it in his lungs as if to keep it. He shivers when Soobin leans back and takes his body heat with him. His mind fills with white noise as Soobin presses play on some low tempo alternative pop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This will have to do, Kai reminds himself. This will have to do.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>We should be alone together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s better off than winding up on our own</span>
</p><p>
  <span>in this cruel, unforgiving jungle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hell feels just a tiny bit closer</span>
</p><p>
  <span>when we’re next to each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We should be alone. Together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s unsafe. So we should travel in a pair</span>
</p><p>
  <span>through this shapeless, nameless wasteland</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>called Contentment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Love is not the destination of our journey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the place we’ve come this far to leave behind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We shouldn’t be alone.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you seen him today,” Kai asks softly. He tilts his head so that he can breathe the words into Yeonjun’s soft, shampooed hair. Gosh. Yeonjun always smells so nice. Like citrus fruit and cucumber and summer sweetness. “Have you spotted him yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Yeonjun sighs. And Kai feels the vibration of the syllable in his bones more than he actually hears the word in his ears. “I swear I wasn’t looking for him this time. We ran into each other by coincidence at the sandwich shop after class.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ahh, I see,” Kai responds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He offered to pay for me but I told him no. It would have felt weird. After everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sit side by side on one of the poofy benches in the student lounge. Not the downstairs one in the old building. That one’s too big and noisy and central and Jungkook’s girlfriend and her pals frequent the place like they never have class. Like they never have to study. Yeonjun and Kai are in the smaller student lounge. Upstairs. In the brand new building across from the auditorium. They like it because on days like this, they can hear the orchestra practicing even through the thick panels of the glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s late morning on a Monday and the two of them are sitting in the perfect spot to bask in the warm sunlight pouring in through the building’s big, modern windows. They’re supposed to be prepping for an exam. Supposed to be. But the lounge buzzes with the noise of conversation from other students and the pair’s textbooks sit closed on the table in front of them, untouched.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’ve been sitting like this for ten minutes now, snuggling deep into each other’s presence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun sighs and rests his head on Kai’s shoulder and idly traces his fingers along the veins beneath the pale skin of Kai’s hand. Kai transfers his hand from his own thigh to Yeonjun’s. Feels the heat of him rise up through his denim shorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He got a new tattoo,” says Yeonjun. “Jungkook, I mean. Over the weekend, maybe? Because I definitely don’t recognize it. He showed it to me when we were in line. His skin is still red and flaky.” He sighs dreamily, nuzzling his cheek into Kai’s shoulder. “Jungkook’s pretty much got a whole sleeve now. It looks good.” His fingers trace a more deliberate pattern across Kai’s forearm, over and over, and Kai looks down at the chipped polish on Yeonjun’s fingernails and wonders if Yeonjun has memorized Jungkook’s tattoos. If those designs are what he’s drawing on Kai’s skin now. Yeonjun says, “He looks good. He always looks good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai wonders, “Isn’t it nice that he still looks good?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Yeah it is. Better than him letting himself go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had started this off as a game, Kai reminds himself. The two of them together was a ploy to make those other guys jealous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Falling into each other… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been a scheme in the beginning. But it’s hard to fake being someone’s safety net.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun is always there for Kai. He’s older. Cooler. More fashionable. He knows all the best ways to game the higher education system in his favor and is willing to share all of his tips and tricks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Kai finds that he genuinely enjoys listening to Yeonjun go on and on about paintings and art and the history of tattoos in different cultures. He also genuinely enjoys hearing Yeonjun go on and on about his immovable crush on Jeon Jungkook. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jeon Jungkook. With his piercings and tattoos and Doc Martens and bass guitar and black leather jacket, even in this godawful near-summer heat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about you?” Yeonjun tilts his head away from Kai’s shoulder to look up at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their faces are so close. So close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai can see into the very depths of Yeonjun’s coffee-brown eyes. Can count his every eyelash. Can smell the candy-flavored chapstick on his mouth. Yeonjun blinks slowly, squinting a little against the sunlight beaming down on them. “Have you seen Soobin today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai’s heart aches. “No. He skipped our morning class. I haven’t seen him since Friday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since Beomgyu’s thing,” Yeonjun adds, more to himself than anything else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They slip into silence, though it feels a little heavy. A little suffocating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai looks at Yeonjun’s face. At his slightly sad eyes and downturned mouth. At the metal hoop through his lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s fingers on Kai’s arm almost tickles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want to forget him,” Yeonjun asks, seriously. Nearly out of context. He squeezes Kai’s hand with both of his own. “Just for a moment?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai nods once. He wants to forget. More than anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun tilts his face forward with no hesitation. Their lips touch. Gently. Preciously. The kiss moves something deep down in Kai’s gut. But only subtly. Like a river too large and fearsome to notice the ripples of a thrown rock. Like a tiny branch succumbing and turning to ash in a wildfire that cares little for what it scorches. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kiss is short and more than a little bitter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s nothing more than exotic herbal ointment to treat a gaping wound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>🖆</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai gets a call around 2AM. He was already having a bad night of restless, fitful sleep so the buzzing of his phone only further irritates him, but his anger is quieted when he hears who is on the other end of the line.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And since Jungkook’s dorm is on the far side of campus, out by the athletic park, Kai drives instead of walks, keeping the volume of his music down as he drives through the oddly quiet weeknight evening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five minutes later, when he pulls up in the parking lot of the tall cement and glass building, it takes him a few seconds to spot the two of them sitting on the curb, huddled together: Yeonjun and Jungkook.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai navigates his pickup truck through the rows and rows of parked cars before stopping a little bit shy of where they’re sitting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook looks up, recognizes the truck and noisily grunts as he pulls a stumbling, swaying Yeonjun to his feet. It should be an easy task, since Yeonjun is so waifish and Jungkook is so muscular, but Yeonjun’s apparently nothing but deadweight and a pair of legs he refuses to get under him and use properly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai swings open the door and climbs out of the driver’s seat. He shivers a little as the late night breeze cuts at his skin through the thin material of his pajamas. The weather is taking such an odd turn lately. He swears he smells rain in the air.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry for calling you at ass o’clock,” Jungkook huffs, “but he’s fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>plastered</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I’ve got a morning class.” He nearly tumbles sideways as he drags Yeonjun down off the curb and onto the asphalt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. It should be me who is apologizing,” says Kai. “Jesus.” He rushes forward to meet them halfway, the headlights of his truck throwing his shadow across Jungkook’s tired but handsome face. “I swear he’s not usually like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, it’s cool,” Jungkook speaks up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grins and Kai can suddenly see why Yeonjun fell so hard for him. He can see how Yeonjun nurtured this sauna-hot crush since the two of them were in high school. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook says, “Don’t be mad at him. I was the one who brought out the good liquor.” And he’s drunk too. Kai can smell it on him. See it in the way he wobbles just slightly on his feet. See it in the glassiness of his eyes and the pink that flushes all the way up from his nose bridge and down his neck. Either Jungkook’s a master at drinking, with a sky high tolerance, or Yeonjun just can’t hold his liquor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai grunts from the effort as Jungkook practically drapes a red-faced Yeonjun across his shoulders. Kai struggles to get his arms around the man before he sinks to the pavement. Yeonjun’s heavy. And his pants are so tight. And his crop top is too thin and rides up too high for such a weirdly chilly night like this. Kai’s hands burn where they are pressed against Yeonjun’s bare, fever-hot skin. He doesn’t know why he’s so afraid to </span>
  <em>
    <span>grab hold</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun mumbles something. Slurred-together syllables that Kai can’t make heads or tails of. He blinks open his eyes. They are red-rimmed and moist around the edges like it hasn’t been too long since he finished bawling his eyes out. His breath is hot and raw and reeks of soju and spicy ramen. He gets one good look at Kai’s face and starts giggling. “There you are,” he sings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Such a sight almost makes Kai smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the moment is shot and killed. Left for dead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He kissed me,” Jungkook says, shoving his fists in his jean pockets. “Or tried to, anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The confession surprises Kai and makes him look up into Jungkook’s stony, mildly irritated face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He must have thought I was you,” Jungkook explains it all away. He forces out a laugh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai’s heart lurches. It bangs and rattles at his rib cage like a wild animal that’s been caged. “Yeah,” he agrees, forcing out a terribly fake laugh of his own. He lifts a hand and pushes Yeonjun’s sweat-sticky bangs out of his eyes. “You’re right. He totally must have thought he was kissing me.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>To have you and to hold you</span>
</p><p>
  <span>but not to love you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not to break you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To clean you and to count you</span>
</p><p>
  <span>but not to repair you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not to fix you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Broken mirrors refracting prismatic light.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rainbow colors spill from our mess.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You and me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You and me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We are intertwined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Knotted roots. Tangled stems.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the sun has blinded us</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>to the poison in the soil.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So</span>
</p><p>
  <span>why are we surprised when the petals</span>
</p><p>
  <span>wilt? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You and me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You and me.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He must be dreaming. Or at least that’s the conclusion that Kai blindly jumps to when he swears he hears Soobin’s voice beyond the bathroom door as he dries his hair one afternoon. It’s funny but also maybe a little sad how swiftly Kai smiles when he hears it. That’s how often Soobin runs through his mind. He can’t even breathe without hallucinating the man’s voice. Without imagining that he’s here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. There’s no mistaking that laugh. Loud and clear, like crystal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confused, Kai shuts off the hair dryer. Maybe the loud whine of the motor in his ears is playing tricks on his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No. That’s Soobin’s voice for sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai unplugs his hair dryer and carries it with him out of the bathroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin is here. And he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And he’s sitting on the couch in Kai’s dorm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin turns at the sound of the door opening and he grins up at Kai. “Sup?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guy must be going out of his way to look good today, Kai concludes. Because his jeans fit him like a second skin. His hair holds a little bit of a bounce to it like he spent some time with a curling iron and his too-small shirt absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>clings</span>
  </em>
  <span> to his long, lean torso. The way he’s sitting on that couch… He’s practically demanding Kai to swoon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai asks the first question that comes to his mind. “What the hell are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s when Kai realizes that Taehyun, his roommate, is sitting on the other end of the couch. Heels up on the cushion, knees bent. “Don’t worry. We’re about to leave,” he says, checking his phone. “We’re going to do an escape room. If Beomgyu doesn't make us miss our appointment.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like… together,” Kai asks, swinging a finger between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taehyun says, “Don’t know how late we’ll be so just order a pizza or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai’s tongue threatens to knot up in his mouth. “I wasn’t aware you two knew each other.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taehyun purses his lips, nonplussed. “Didn’t know I had to tell you I knew him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin cuts in. “You look different, Kai. You do something to your hair? Get it cut?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai holds up the hair dryer in his hands. “No. I just blew it out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look good,” Soobin tells him, grinning from ear to ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Such a phrase nearly turns Kai’s legs to jelly. Nearly makes him crumple against the wall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t usually wear stuff like that to class,” Soobin keeps on, waving a hand at Kai’s tight leather pants and Metallica shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted…” Kai starts. </span>
  <em>
    <span>To look like I belong with Yeonjun</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he adds in his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look good,” Soobin repeats. Though it’s obvious he doesn’t mean it in the way Kai needs him to mean it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going somewhere,” Kai supplies. God. He can’t handle it! He can’t handle watching Soobin’s eyes look him up and down when he’s dressed in something so form-fitting. Something so different from what he usually puts on. He feels naked, almost, as Soobin puts on a snarky grin and asks what his favorite Metallica song is. Avoiding answering, Kai lowers his gaze to the floor. Nervousness sizzles in his veins. This can’t really be happening, is it? Soobin can’t really be sitting on the couch in the same place Kai always sits, right? Soobin can’t actually be in the room transferring his body heat onto the cushions. Maybe leaving behind traces of his cologne. This has to be a dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But if he keeps standing here looking like a fool, he’ll regret it. He’ll just ask if he can come along. And then maybe he can sit next to Soobin in the backseat of Beomgyu’s car? “Hey, is it alright if--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a knock at the front door. Loud and rapid like machine gun fire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Finally! Is that Beomgyu,” Soobin wonders, sitting up and craning his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Taehyun groans. “Only one person on this Earth bangs on our door like a madman.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai turns. Almost sprints towards the door. He pulls it open. Or tries to. Soon as he turns the handle, the door’s being pushed open from the other side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun bursts into the room. A hurricane of zebra print and mesh arm warmers and fingernail polish.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not until Kai sees him that he remembers why he was getting dressed like this to begin with. Kai practically dives after Yeonjun to catch him. To stop him. “Hey,” he squeaks out. “I said I’d come downstairs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright. I was in this building anyway.” Yeonjun reaches out and grabs Kai’s hand like a reflex. “Sorry I’m late. But if we hurry, we can--” He pauses. Does an actual doubletake. He slides his sunglasses off of his nose to look Kai up and down. Yeonjun grins his approval. “Wow, you look amazing in that. But you can look better. Let’s take a cab so I can do your makeup.” And then he tilts forward on his tiptoes and abruptly kisses Kai.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai goes ramrod stiff with surprise. He twists his face away from Yeonjun’s bubblegum lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s when Yeonjun notices. He leans around Kai’s frame and spots who is sitting on the couch. “Oh, I didn’t realize you had company.” Then he glances back up at Kai with a truly apologetic pout on his face. He mouths an apology.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai doesn’t know what he expects. For Soobin to fly into some jealous fit, grab Kai by the wrist and confess he’s been in love this whole time and doesn’t want to see Kai with anyone else?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because that’s the opposite of what happens. Soobin doesn’t even fidget on the couch when he points and asks, “Are you two going on a date?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Kai mutters, his cheeks burning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have fun,” Soobin calls out. He even nods and gives them a thumbs up. “You two look good together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And maybe Kai’s expression twists with some kind of dark emotion because Yeonjun quickly tugs on his arm and guides him out the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>🖆</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s Friday when Kai sees the two of them together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook and Yeonjun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They are standing in the hallway leading up to the main cafeteria and it’s not until Kai sees them next to each other that he realizes, and not for the first time, how wonderful a match they’d make.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s in some black, grunge band t-shirt and distressed shorts and striped Hot Topic socks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook’s got the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to show off his black, artistic tattoos. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They look good together. Smiling and laughing. Playfully swatting each other’s shoulders as they talk and joke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun twists his lip ring between his thumb and index finger in the way he only does when he’s nervous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s never nervous around Kai.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook runs a hand through his bleached blonde hair and looks over Yeonjun’s shoulder, “Hey, that your boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun turns around and spots Kai walking up the hallway. “It is!” He waves Kai towards them. And Kai, who had been dead set on walking past them as if he couldn’t see them, changes direction. Drawn in by Yeonjun’s sheer magnetism.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook’s so cool. So confident. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>big</span>
  </em>
  <span> and intimidating. And Yeonjun is so much like him. Bold and loud and carefree. Like nothing in the world can stop him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What confuses Kai is that he’s not even jealous. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> Yeonjun to like Jungkook. And even if it takes some great cosmic upheaval, Kai wants Yeonjun to be with Jungkook. He wants Yeonjun to be happy. Wants to see him smile and giggle and fidget with his lip ring and work up the courage to go to the tattoo parlor to get another piece.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai wants that for them so bad. It sounds like the perfect romance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, honey,” Yeonjun sings out casually, confidently. As if it’s not an act. As if this whole thing is not some sham that they’ve been running together since last semester. Deceiving everyone. Deceiving themselves. Yeonjun grins wide and flings an arm around Kai’s neck like he’s legitimately happy to see him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai chuckles nervously at the contact. They’re allowed to touch and be close and to share breaths because they are </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it still feels wrong. It still feels dangerous to hold each other like this. It still feels risky for Kai to wrap both arms around Yeonjun’s broad back and hold him close. Tight. Until they are chest to chest and can feel each other’s heartbeats. It feels illegal to have Yeonjun sigh with contentment in his ear before pulling back. “Thought you said you were going off campus for lunch?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Taehyun bailed on me,” Kai grouses. “Again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” Yeonjun’s face darkens with regret. “Well, I made plans.” He jerks a thumb over his shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Kai remembers that Jungkook is right there. Jungkook. The man Yeonjun truly wants to be holding and hugging. The man who truly deserves all of Yeonjun’s sweet nothings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wanna eat with us?” Yeonjun’s hand glides up Kai’s nape. His fingers brush the back of Kai’s ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I couldn’t,” Kai says quickly. “Don’t wanna intrude. You two go on ahead.” And it shouldn’t hurt to do it. It shouldn’t hurt to peel Yeonjun’s arms from around him but it does. Kai looks into Yeonjun’s smiling face and wonders--briefly--if he’s the only one still hurting when they both should be in pain. He says, “We’ll meet up after, yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun nods. “Yeah. Of course. We’ll do something later. Dinner, maybe?” He pulls back. His expression is so bright. So full of light. And Yeonjun hesitates before he lets go of Kai’s hand like that should </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Okay, let’s go,” Yeonjun says to Jungkook. And he reaches out as if to grab Jungkook by the hand like he always does with Kai but he stops himself at the last moment. Plays it off by doing some half-assed dance move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jungkook nods in Kai’s direction in an oddly formal, distant way. “See ya,” he calls out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See ya,” Kai calls back. Then he watches the two of them walk away.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Heartache is a hurricane</span>
</p><p>
  <span>ripping up foundations and leaving behind waste.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing left. There’s nothing left.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The disaster has passed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>but it will still take weeks to forget what’s lost.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing left. There’s nothing left.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The winds have stripped bare the trees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The floods have swept all the love away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun won’t be out for days,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>so get accustomed to the view of the clouds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing left. There’s nothing left.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun waits for Kai to get out of his last class for the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll carry that,” Yeonjun says, already pulling Kai’s big tote bag off of his shoulder and transferring it to his own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All they do is share burdens, Kai reminds himself. It’s the whole reason they are together. It’s the entire purpose behind doing this to themselves. Pouring salt into their own wounds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai reaches out a hand and tucks a wild curl of hair behind Yeonjun’s ear. “You’re in a good mood. Did you have fun today?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun snorts. “Yeah. Jungkook and I had lunch. Cafeteria food was trash so we dipped and went uptown. He took me on his bike. We had Vietnamese.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it’s almost like he’s cheating. It’s almost like he’s seeing someone else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai laughs at his own intrusive thoughts and drops his hand from Yeonjun’s ear. “How long were you waiting,” he asks. “Out here, I mean. For me. How long?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About thirty minutes,” Yeonjun responds. He spots the look on Kai’s face. “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I downloaded a new puzzle game on my phone. Got like twenty levels in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They start walking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hallway is crowded. Noisy. It’s rehearsal day so it is not strange at all that a small group of people at the end of the hall quite literally burst into song. There are limbs and shifting bodies and the odd flailing prop all around them. The two of them have to get shoulder-to-shoulder to make it through the churning sea.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad that you like him so much,” Kai says. “I’m so glad he makes you happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun tosses his head back and laughs. Teeth showing. “God, I wish he really could. He spent half our time together talking about his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re moving in together at the start of the month. Somewhere off-campus, he said. It’ll be harder to see him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai nods in understanding. Living together implies </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun keeps on, “Jungkook invited me to his band’s show this weekend. Said he’d get me in for free. I know it’s not your usual scene but do you wanna come?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would I get in the way?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His girlfriend will be there. She’s the merch girl.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ahh. So that’s why Yeonjun wants him to come. To help stave off the loneliness. To give direction to Yeonjun’s yearning. It’s why they are together, after all. “I’ll go,” Kai agrees. “Is his band the one you showed me the other day? I kinda like them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh? Really? That’s great. I’m glad you checked them out.” In a lightning flash, Yeonjun’s smile shorts out. He grabs Kai’s hand and raises it up close to his face. He’s noticed the bandage around the tip of Kai’s finger. “Did you get yourself with the sewing machine again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not funny but Kai still laughs. “Yeah. I’m doing it on purpose now.” He’s not, but it feels like he is, considering how many garments he’s ruined with his own splattered blood and fallen tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun interlocks their fingers and swings their arms between them as they stroll. “You have to be careful, Kai. You’re either losing focus or working too fast.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know, I know,” Kai groans. He squeezes Yeonjun’s hand, tight enough to remind himself that Yeonjun is real and is here with him. “Maybe I’m still afraid of the damn sewing machine. Seeing the needle still squicks me out sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun looks up at him, eyes warm with concern. “Want me to help you through it? We’ve talked about this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not, like, afraid of </span>
  <em>
    <span>needles</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Kai corrects. “I’m just afraid of the one going fifty miles an hour right next to my hand.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you busy tonight? You should come to my dorm and we can practice.” And when Kai doesn’t immediately respond, Yeonjun pokes out his bottom lip in a pout. “Please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And fate is oh so cruel. She’s a master tormentor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right as Kai says, “Fine, I’ll stop by,” and leans in to kiss the plump, gummy bear curve of Yeonjun’s mouth, the crowd in the hall shifts. Parts. Makes room for Soobin as he comes around the corner with some guy’s arm snaking low around his waist. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Another</span>
  </em>
  <span> dude. Not even the same one from the last time Kai had checked. Another nameless and faceless brat that could have been Kai but isn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai turns his head. Mouth on Yeonjun’s lips but his eyes and his heart set on Soobin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They make eye contact and Kai jolts away from Yeonjun as if burned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fate is cruel! Oh so dastardly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soobin smiles at him and waves and says “Sup?” in that benign, innocuous way he smiles and waves and says “Sup?” at all of his classmates. Then he steps past the two of them to get down the hall, his boyfriend of the month (of the week?) clinging to his waist and giggling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And what seems to be even crueler, what seems to hurt even worse, is that Yeonjun isn’t even offended by Kai’s distraction. He turns away from Soobin’s retreating back to glance up at Kai and say, “Come by around seven? Bring snacks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They are only here to share each other’s burdens, after all.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Highs and lows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We’ve seen each other at our</span>
</p><p>
  <span>highest and lowest.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeonjun’s dorm is slick and stylish and all punk rock like the rest of him. Posters and band stickers and horror novels and a shelf full of Junji Ito manga. A keyboard, a guitar, an amp. Stacks of sheet music and printed-out guitar tabs. Crates of vinyl records. Prince and Jimi Hendrix and Amy Winehouse and Paramore and Pink Floyd and ABBA. All the greats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai feels out of place here, deep in Yeonjun’s inner sanctuary. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he also feels at home. Anchored. Like he has a place and a purpose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two of them cuddle on the couch. The movie on the laptop screen is long forgotten. The sliding balcony doors are open to let in the cool evening breeze and the fanfare of cricket song. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They lean into each other. Hands intertwined. Faces close. Body heat magnified beneath the blanket.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes they do this. Sometimes they just sit and give each other time to wish.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai eats up every second of these moments. Craves them like chocolate cake. Like candy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wishes he was with Soobin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wishes he could run his hands through Soobin’s hair and kiss Soobin’s dimpled cheeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wouldn’t it be nice? Wouldn’t it be amazing to lean in, inhale and smell Soobin’s deep, masculine, woodsy cologne instead? To prop his head up on Soobin’s muscular torso and hear Soobin’s heartbeat in his ears? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be better than this. Wouldn’t it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be better to kiss Soobin. Suck on his thick, bottom lip and taste the Dentyne Ice he always chews. Feel those stupidly big hands of his clutch at his hips and draw him close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wouldn’t that be better?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does it bother you,” Yeonjun asks, suddenly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai blinks open his eyes. He sits up enough to look Yeonjun in the face, barely able to make out his flat, sad expression in the lonely, ghastly blue glow of the laptop screen. “Hmm? What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it alright,” Yeonjun reiterates, “that I’m not Soobin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’ve talked about this before. Back in the beginning. Back when they’d first come up with the crazy idea to be heartbroken together. To be in love with other people. Together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kai swallows down a mouthful of spit. “Don’t ask stupid questions,” he says. He raises a hand, presses his fingers to Yeonjun’s chin, tilts the man’s head back and kisses him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not alright, Kai thinks. It’s not alright that Yeonjun’s not Soobin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this’ll have to do.</span>
</p>
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